Coffee: My Arch Nemesis.

Ever since my first sip of the liquid, I hated it. I hate coffee. Any kind of it, except Iced Cappuccinos. Ice Cappy, you are excused from this rant.

The preparation is long and boring, and I hate the noise of a kettle heating up. Once the water is all steamy, I guess you just dump a teaspoon of Maxwells House instant coffee powder, pour some water in, add that milk powder that shares a strong resemblance to crack cocaine, and stir.

My arch nemesis and I.

So you may be thinking, If this girl can’t make coffee to save her life, why doesn’t she just drive up to the nearest Tm Hortons, and buy one for a couple of cents? Well, buying it is just as terrible. You gotta walk up to the not-so-peppy Tims lady and order a coffee. Doesn’t sound too hard, but trust me, it is. You have to speak in the strange, twisted language of avid coffee drinkers for her to decipher your order. Double-Double? Half-and-Half? What-and-what on Earth are you people trying to say? Double what? Half what? Of course, finding out what they mean is only one question away. But these days, people my age are always drinking some form caffeine on a daily basis (the ever so rancid “Monsters”, coffee, 172 different kinds of soda pops, etc.) so this question will probably be dismissed, not-taken seriously, and simply laughed off. So that cancels out any chance of me consuming store-bought coffee.

Let’s go back to my homemade instant coffee. I hold it in a scalding mug, and hastily set it down on a decorative coaster. I stare at it and my nose crinkles at the odour. Here comes the really disgusting part. I have to drink it. I slowly bring it to my mouth, and blow softly to cool it down a bit. I then proceed to tip the mug all the way and let the disgustingly rich, harsh, bitter, and absolutely cruel liquid seep into my mouth, attack my taste buds, and proceed down my throat. This is the part where I usually

  • evacuate the perimeter of the tainted mug
  • scream till I cry
  • vomit. just vomit.
  • toss the coffee 30m away from me. If prepared

All that said, PCCS (post coffee consumption syndrome) is almost as bad as the drinking session itself. The caffeine sets into my system, and it’s nothing like what others feel when they drink coffee. I’ve heard it wakes you up, energizes you, and keeps you peppy all through the morning. With me, the caffeine attacks my brain. Migraines, and pounding headaches follow consumption. The whole unpleasant experience if preparing and drinking the coffee has left me cranky and impatient. My stomach twists and knots, as PCCS cramps would knock out menstrual cramps anytime. And with PCCS comes the breath. My breath would reek of the liquid, but a bit worse. Deep, rich, trashy, crap is just what it is. The scent is about on par with the taste.

Coffee lovers, worshipers, supporters, and just plain drinkers, if my post has offended you, be sure to remember that I am not like you. I don’t understand the so-called “wonders and joys” of caffeine. Caffeine hurts my body, my mind, and soul. I am “caffeine-intolerant”. But I do apologize if I hurt you. I really do.


5 responses to “Coffee: My Arch Nemesis.

  1. Haha, it’s so great to see that I’m not the only one who dislikes coffee (although I too love Iced Cappucinos, lol)! At work, I constantly have to go to all these meetings where people offer me coffee, and give me the stink eye when I (somewhat) politely turn them down. I’m getting to be known as “that weird, new girl who doesn’t even drink coffee”. We should totally start a support group or something 😉

  2. Coffee. I gave it a lot of chances. Failed every time.

  3. I hate coffee! The worst liquid since tomato juice.

    • Ugh, don’t even get me started on tomato juice! It’s just watery tomato sauce trying to pass of as a juice. I can never understand how people can down something like that 😛

      You know what, I like you. We have similar beliefs when it comes to beverages XD

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